Friendship vs Relationship

In my 20s i have had a few relationships. when i reflected back i realized i was not mature to be involved into relationship at all. I imagined my ex probably move on or have a family, kids, married. i never call or make an effort to keep in touch with them. I believe if i have decided not to continue on or they have decided to leave it as it is , it is important we don't trigger each other emotions or feelings. I have to respect their decisions.

There were 5 relationships M, J, Y, C, L in my 20s

I left M to go for study that was in my early 20s. In my first Uni, i met J. I left J during my first year of Uni, J went mental and drama, left uni n moved back home. i was devastated as well i left Uni. J was quite memorable, unique character i would say. i have had a long period of time finding all possible ways to actually rid J off my mind.

i started a new journey i met Y at work but we worked in different location. So, I decided to start a new relationship with C. still in my early 20s I can't remember exactly how I ended with Y. It was as though silence heartbreaking moments.

I decided to be with C thinking it was for the best even though i told him i had to leave him and moved back to be with family after my study. I went to further my study and i kept myself unavailable to anyone because i decided to keep C for real and made an effort to do so. I even decided to have a family with him in near future.

After graduation, Y came back to my picture and i knew at that moment my heart and mind resonate with Y.  I wrote to C ended with him I told him the truth. I have to go and find Y but It was too late for me, Y had someone else.  I remembered myself not knowing what to do, the pain was unbelievable. I could see no light, pretending to be alright. my parents was worried because they knew something had happened to me but they just couldn't tell because i speak to no one about Y. Mom took me out for a trip because she could see that i have crippled myself. I  have had some extreme measure to myself to forget about Y.

After 2 years, I met L at work, i decided this time around i have to be serious and courageous, taking responsibilities for the relationship. I tried my very best making all things possible for L to be in my family, life and future. My family disapproved and L disagreed.

I didn't end up with L, one night i had a dream about Y. it could be due to stress and my unconscious past came back in my dream while i was sleeping. i tried every possible way to deny but Y replied after more than half a decade of silence.

To be continue....