Early childhood

During my early childhood, my parents sent me to day care center or sometimes to my grandparents during the day. I remembered clearly i have a wonderful educator, her name is Mary, she will ride her bike every morning to come to Joy center and tell us stories. I love hearing stories from her. They are mostly from bible with pictures and all.

One day, my mom told me she had an accident and passed away, i remembered looking out the window feeling my world had collapsed. I enjoyed her presence and her passing became a grievous lost for me. Though i did not respond dramatically i remembered staring or gazing blankly out the window and asked my mum why for few days. i knew she was gone but i still have to ask repeatedly. Where is Mary. i didn't realize it had such an impact and till today i still remember her and the picture of her telling us stories.  i was only 3 years old i believe. I couldn't comprehend the lost that i felt at the time. Now i have understood completely that i have attached to her moments in the room round the table encircle with her holding up the story books expressed in her wonderful tone of voice, a perfect speech.

I have such a hard time letting her go. During my teenage year, i remembered knowing a lady, she was like a sister to me. she will tell me her stories and stay by my side. Perhaps the moments i have missed during my childhood year had finally returned. i cherished her so dearly and remembered her showing me pictures. i love her voice whispering to my ears. All those moments lasted very shortly
She left me voluntarily, she didn't know didn't realize i had attached to her on every levels especially my emotion. I was horrified of loosing her. i became obsessed finding a missing her. She did not return any of my calls or emails. I was worried sick thinking if anything had happened and finally she replied after half a decade. The only feeling i felt when i hear from her was relief and happy. She was safe.

Where am i now? I am at the childhood center looking and observing the children. i realize it is not advisable to let a child attached or depend too much to an adult. It is to give them freedom of choice to understand attachment and independence co-exist. They have freedom to attach or leave at any given moment or time. It is my attachment theory through my own experience. If i have a chance to revisit my Joy center, i would like to have more than just one Mary. I love my Mary, she is irreplaceable but i didn't realize she had became an idol that i wished i can hold on forever.

Ironically, i became Catholic this year, i believe Mother Mary is my star light.

R.I.P Teacher Mary