Early childhood

During my early childhood, my parents sent me to day care center or sometimes to my grandparents during the day. I remembered clearly i have a wonderful educator, her name is Mary, she will ride her bike every morning to come to Joy center and tell us stories. I love hearing stories from her. They are mostly from bible with pictures and all.

One day, my mom told me she had an accident and passed away, i remembered looking out the window feeling my world had collapsed. I enjoyed her presence and her passing became a grievous lost for me. Though i did not respond dramatically i remembered staring or gazing blankly out the window and asked my mum why for few days. i knew she was gone but i still have to ask repeatedly. Where is Mary. i didn't realize it had such an impact and till today i still remember her and the picture of her telling us stories.  i was only 3 years old i believe. I couldn't comprehend the lost that i felt at the time. Now i have understood completely that i have attached to her moments in the room round the table encircle with her holding up the story books expressed in her wonderful tone of voice, a perfect speech.

I have such a hard time letting her go. During my teenage year, i remembered knowing a lady, she was like a sister to me. she will tell me her stories and stay by my side. Perhaps the moments i have missed during my childhood year had finally returned. i cherished her so dearly and remembered her showing me pictures. i love her voice whispering to my ears. All those moments lasted very shortly
She left me voluntarily, she didn't know didn't realize i had attached to her on every levels especially my emotion. I was horrified of loosing her. i became obsessed finding a missing her. She did not return any of my calls or emails. I was worried sick thinking if anything had happened and finally she replied after half a decade. The only feeling i felt when i hear from her was relief and happy. She was safe.

Where am i now? I am at the childhood center looking and observing the children. i realize it is not advisable to let a child attached or depend too much to an adult. It is to give them freedom of choice to understand attachment and independence co-exist. They have freedom to attach or leave at any given moment or time. It is my attachment theory through my own experience. If i have a chance to revisit my Joy center, i would like to have more than just one Mary. I love my Mary, she is irreplaceable but i didn't realize she had became an idol that i wished i can hold on forever.

Ironically, i became Catholic this year, i believe Mother Mary is my star light.

R.I.P Teacher Mary

Pictureless

I tried and i surrender. Is my instinct based on feelings? How can i be defeated so easily. what is my mind thinking, i have my own messes to clear. how can i expect others to commit time for me.

Another day, another night, when will the sleepless obsession ends? into your arms? your sight? or your voice? For better or worst i have put the past behind me. That's an answer without having to face any consequences or taking any responsibilities for thy actions. Is that rightly so?

How about the values of endurance, resilience or determination? Could it just be a pattern of stubbornness or it could be a solution
However there is no solution without real encounter. A live confession.

When will this be truly over and dealt with. i have no picture of you and in your absence I still think fondly of you and believe your existence. this is madness. you are  nothing but a fiction.

My instinct is a fact my feelings are real. My heart is sincere, my words are truth. How can you missed all of it for years and when you have found you trampled it over and over again. When will you realize and start to care, or does it ever mater.

I am tired. i wish the sleep never wakes me.

25th Friday

I met up with a Chinese friend of mine tonight we had a drink and went for dinner. I was asked if I like guys or ladies. She bought me a drink and I told her the truth. I said to her I have to listen to the Guy from above. After all what is really important ? Our family, our health and our lives. We have to take care of ourselves. Not letting others worry about us 

That's my answer. I told Y if we can't start over as friends again it is better not to meet up ever again. It's too much pain for me given how much sleepless nights and tears I have shed I know what kind of impact if we see each other for the first time after 7 years. Does it ever matter and how dare to even mention it is better to go back to the time we never contact each other if we cant handle. Another slap on my face. It is better to kill me than to create this kind of endless torture. So don't ever knock on my door I m sure it won't be open again. The reality is you always think u're better than I will ever be. Let it be. I never play any games or lie to you about my feelings. It's just too bad that you never feel the same and you never see to get it. You don't deserve to know my life my choice because it shall be the end of my tiredless desire. The end of L era. No more. No moe for me. 

Upstairs office

I was in the office yesterday my mentor and colleague always make fun of each other. They think they are funny and sometimes they do, I am trying to agree hahahahha..
Lamest joke ever.

Anyways, there was call from one of the client. He was querying and referred the matter  to my mentor. Took him awhile to figure out what went wrong. So my colleague told me Mr L went to upstairs office.

I didn't understand what he was talking about so I went to Mr L office and I asked if there is  an office upstairs? Actually we are already at the top floor of the building  that's why I am so confused and out of my curiosity I  have to go and have a look at Mr L office to ask to double confirm. What an idiot !

They all laughed because an upstair office is where Mr L contemplating. Omg. I have made a scene.
Whatever! I m contemplating my Star

Faithfulness

Who am I ? A song I remembered sung by Casting Crown

Who am I, that the lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt?
Who am I, that the bright and morning star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart?

Not because of who I am
But because of what you've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who you are

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still you hear me when I'm calling
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling
And you've told me who I am
I am yours

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again?
Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me?

A lot of things happened to me this year, events that I can't explain but I know it is not the work of myself, I am grateful no matter what had happened or what is going to happen I know He is always with me. Always faithful, always! His love never fails . Close your eyes and Go Deep. 

40

Birthday celebration remembering 2 of my friends last night. Mindfully  Occupied. 

Sign of getting up around 2-3am every night forcing my body and mind to do something about it. I am laying bare and I remembered the story of a man was told to me when I was young. He took 40 days living in the wilderness facing temptations. Why 40? I believe with my heart this pain I am feeling inside is far less than the greater pain He had endured for me. Grant me wisdom. Lead me Thy way, for Yours is infinite glory of my life. Jesus

That is my brother he is turning 40 and I will be seeing him in less than 40 days. 

Light through the cloud

I had a really tiring last night got back home around 10pm and dozed off to sleep without taking shower, how disgusting but i make sure i took off everything before bed.

To be honest despite getting emotional and all, i had a good yesterday. I tried to commit myself blogging everyday even though i don't care if nobody is going to read it. This thing is for me. Since i don't like to call or speak out loud, written words are fine.

my nephew called me the night before and he said do you know i counted the days when you going to come back to see me again. He said 139 days. i have no idea why he said that. His brother was besides him while he skype me. They were so excited and making all different kind of sound and tune. They both trying really hard to show how excited that i answer their skype and talk to them. I kind of feel guilty because i did not do it so often. we have similar inner voice, signals only we can tell.

i feel better today.  I understand i work better alone, but today the leader said good teamwork. So, i am happy. it was awful for the past week because i was struggling to understand how to mesh with them. i have absolutely no idea how to. Big scale companies with loads and tonnes of polices and procedures do put me off, not just that, the way they move and talk to each other, small talks or gossips.  I am not prepared for such environment. Mostly they speak about their personal lives and if they have acquaintances or encounters. I have no idea what is going on in my mind. maybe the wire just disconnected and trying to find the right plug. when i wake up the next day, i hunt for caffeine, eat like an animal.

To be honest, intercourse activities were never my expertise, with all my previous relationship i believe and knowing myself  did not reach the optimal experiences but enjoy watching or assisting them to satisfy themselves during my presence. Emotionally and physically my ex-es are happy. Maybe someday or the day i am ready, the higher presence will enable the One deliver mutual satisfaction to our optimal experiences. I would be able to reach greater understanding in human form instead of watching through the screen or seeing animals mating. I believe that is true happiness when couple reach mutual understanding emotionally and physically.

May the light shine through the Cloud.

A Puzzle

A ring as i know is always shaped in circle for the one and only finger. Today i have come across a crooked circle of rings lay intertwined. As if there is a story to tell or a puzzle to solve in order to make it possible for the finger to wear it.

Come what may. I have not known this till today. it doesn't bother me but it does shape like female organ from the picture. That is my first impression for such ring.

I barely remember occasions of ring presented up upon my face. I was never amazed or fascinated by having to wear a ring or a puzzle ring. Probably i haven't found the significant ones.

Does relationship has to be presented by a ring or a puzzle? To me it is never quite true for having an object to emphasize such bond. It was never tangible to begin with but it could be mystical and presentable for others. Hence, the myth.

I never feel extremely or overwhelmingly excited to attend wedding ceremonies or dinners even though I always have invitations to such event. I guess its my personality social is a huge effort and i get very tired internally. physically i am alright.


Puzzle ring. if you have one i wish you the best. Good night.

A single soul dwelling in two bodies

Recently someone called me on the phone, i sincerely thought she is able to listen to a conversation as a friend. I had a reflection on how she replied and I believe I have found my answer.

The saying: Rare as is true love, true friendship is rarer. As Time goes by, i believe i am able to determine who my true friend is, a being that is willing to listen by heart and speak with a gentle tongue.  A person that is mindfully respect to another being. Age does not really count what our mind perceived. I no longer seek for such aspect. I am glad i have discovered the truth of my feelings.

 An animal such as Cougar its instinct is to chase, win, perform, getting wild, there is absolutely no sense of compassion, commitment and loyalty communicable to such animal. It is strong, physically active, with adults meeting only to mate. No cultivation of friendship or relationship is ever needed. It would be a grievous mistake to expect change for its natural instinct.

What exactly is friendship? The research which i have found explained by the books 8 and 9 of Nicomachean Ethics. Friendship explained by Aristotle divides into 3: Friends for pleasure, Friends for benefit and True Friends.

Friends for pleasure are established through social bonds, they enjoy their time for sports, hobbies, dining or partying experiences. Friends for benefit are mostly motivated by work, could be colleagues or neighbors. Last but not least, true friends explained by Aristotle are mirrors to each other. It is based on goodness. It is one of the highest forms of love in Aristotle's "Nichomachean Ethics" They are able to value loving over being loved. It is about loving the other person and wanting what is good for them, an enduring quality. Therefore, true friends are long lasting. It is rare and it takes Time to develop, but it is the best.

Family species

Recently my mind is always occupied or prone to weekly or daily updates of training sites. To be honest I like some of the articles, they always reveal different types of learning methods or strategies in workplace or personal space.

I never know there is such a huge potential going on in this industry nobody ever really introduce or explain to me. People usually just learn what they have to learn without a clear picture, or it is just part of mandatory training within the organisation.  Did anyone actually ask or be aware how it was designed to deliver to their brain. Without knowing how can such training be effective to learners? It's absurd. We must always observe the Mother of creations.

Anyways I will write less but I will share a little about my brother. He is coming to visit me next month. I didn't like him a lot but I realised it's because I too didn't like myself. So to make an exception and compliment him I would share his message to me today :

good  morning  Mey . please take note of the following item which i plan to visit . you try to find if can locate cheap tickets.1: ZOO: i plan to go to zoo.. i never been there. wish to go there have a look at the animal.2: BUILDING MATERIAL: plan to visit sdyney biggest area or store which sales the building renovation material.people who want to build home or renovate home will go this store for purchase and make selection .3: seafood: wish to enjoy some fresh seafood, similar place like last time the place we go.. people can select the seafood and we can enjoy the seafood. try to see if can locate a place which  not CHOPPING TOURIST ..4: CITY walk  : we can walk around the city whereby we can see the action and movement , and see some culture and nature of australian. 5: supermarket : wish to go supermarket and have a look at the supermarket  food and product and make some sightseeing and purchase.
so far this is the idea of the routes.. also i forget . last time we miss the sdyney opera house. try to slot in the visit as well. so we can visit opera house .. need ticket ? if not sure must go have a view or look


My brother to u, I wish u didn't realise we have something in common. Or nothing.

Don't worry I will be here waiting.

Surfers' code

City2surf is going on during the day, though I have to work on every weekends I always try to dedicate time walking in the park or along the beach. It is my leisure time to serve my pleasure.
I always think I can't surf because of my ankle operation few years ago, it is completely fine now though the plates and screws stuck in my bones. I wonder if I should go for another operation to take the steels away. It felt weird to have artificial stuffs in my body. Shouldn't stop me from surfing where is my encouragement to take this challenge.

Surfers' code is the basic principle of human code of conduct, respect. It is underlying the understanding of human emotions that underpinning the cultural value and strength.

 I have quite an emotional weekends. Mix feelings of happy and sadness. I believe the storm will be over and waves of hope is awaiting. Surf and Wish me well.

Cougar with her subtle heel

I came across this blanket and it was soft and subtle. Makes me feel good. It wasn't my bed I was making it for a client.

I always have a good time with her because she loves my humour and reservance attitude. I always make sure her needs are met.

I am happy today because i have positive messages from my family and friends. I have a bad news as well because I was not able to make time for another client. It was disastrous. I am frustrated I can't be at two places at the same time. I am desiring for a leader that is able to see my frustration because I know what I am doing and I can't just speak to anyone that is able to understand or listen to what I am saying.

I guess I like cats and cougar is like the mother of cats. They are leaders. It reminds me of Y. I think she is a cougar with her subtle heel. Anyways it is just a wild imagination. She is better off without a Leo cub like me.

I am glad that L decided to work on something that  she can and no longer think of an easy way or illegal way to gain profits. I will be damned if she decided to go down that route.

Can't wait to see mom, she is visiting me next month. She is a beautiful woman. The woman I should cherish and love for life.

Cougar is desirous can  be devourous too. It can go to the wall or picture for mesmerising. There is such a saying I heard of, a dog has a master, a cat has a servant. How bout a Cougar? A slave? Damned !

Two choiceS

I used to think that people are borned without any choices. They came to the world by fate. That's what they think it happened without any preconditions. Therefore they fall unconditionally.

I believe people do have choices to make, they are able to learn through their decisions or experiences. That is the gift of wisdom.

I have not master my emotions but I have learn to accept and appreciate my own feelings my real being without denying. Telling the truth and exposed through words. Is this a way of santifying myself from all the stains?

When a person finds no possibility to move on, what capabilities do they have?

I believe their desire is stronger than their conscience. They can achieve greater possibilities through their uncontrollable feelings of emotions. That's how a perceived normal being would say they are completely out of control.  Who is able to truly understand except their own real being. Normal is just convoluted.

I will always keep my words  with L and Y without jeopardising our friendship. That is the Commitment and responsibility I have made as a conscious being with conscience at heart. I am not a  Buddhist but I do believe in Karma. What we have done to ourselves and others may flow down to generations if not us, our children or grandchildren. Take our lives seriously and commit in what we do unceasingly.

May Christ have mercy on us.

Friendship vs Relationship 3

I spoke to Y and L recently. I know what I want for us is to be successful and happy in our lives.

Y and L both have different characteristics

I am ready to sleep now

To be continue..

Friendship vs Relationship 2

It's about emotions. Friendship or relationship is the inner feelings of our real emotions. It is true and just. The feelings of taking care and be responsible of someone's life rather than myself. It's maturity and accepting any consequences of such decision.

What is not?. Someone do not stick with you through thick and thin but having their own judgement and direction. They do not consider you right even if you might be wrong they won't tell you what they truly believe and will definately not follow up with you  but letting you go. They care less to ask or imagine your situation. They share different vision or no vision at all. I heard before the Word says "without vision people perish" it is exactly right. Why would I spend another second with a person who sees no vision feel no passion to be friends with? They certainly do not appreciate Time and lives of themselves or others.

Find the person who truly sees you for who you are. Fall in love with someone who sees you. That's all.

Friendship vs Relationship

In my 20s i have had a few relationships. when i reflected back i realized i was not mature to be involved into relationship at all. I imagined my ex probably move on or have a family, kids, married. i never call or make an effort to keep in touch with them. I believe if i have decided not to continue on or they have decided to leave it as it is , it is important we don't trigger each other emotions or feelings. I have to respect their decisions.

There were 5 relationships M, J, Y, C, L in my 20s

I left M to go for study that was in my early 20s. In my first Uni, i met J. I left J during my first year of Uni, J went mental and drama, left uni n moved back home. i was devastated as well i left Uni. J was quite memorable, unique character i would say. i have had a long period of time finding all possible ways to actually rid J off my mind.

i started a new journey i met Y at work but we worked in different location. So, I decided to start a new relationship with C. still in my early 20s I can't remember exactly how I ended with Y. It was as though silence heartbreaking moments.

I decided to be with C thinking it was for the best even though i told him i had to leave him and moved back to be with family after my study. I went to further my study and i kept myself unavailable to anyone because i decided to keep C for real and made an effort to do so. I even decided to have a family with him in near future.

After graduation, Y came back to my picture and i knew at that moment my heart and mind resonate with Y.  I wrote to C ended with him I told him the truth. I have to go and find Y but It was too late for me, Y had someone else.  I remembered myself not knowing what to do, the pain was unbelievable. I could see no light, pretending to be alright. my parents was worried because they knew something had happened to me but they just couldn't tell because i speak to no one about Y. Mom took me out for a trip because she could see that i have crippled myself. I  have had some extreme measure to myself to forget about Y.

After 2 years, I met L at work, i decided this time around i have to be serious and courageous, taking responsibilities for the relationship. I tried my very best making all things possible for L to be in my family, life and future. My family disapproved and L disagreed.

I didn't end up with L, one night i had a dream about Y. it could be due to stress and my unconscious past came back in my dream while i was sleeping. i tried every possible way to deny but Y replied after more than half a decade of silence.

To be continue....

Active. Happy. Healthy

I have a visitor today flew 8 hours to come for holiday. Surprisingly he is able to get through immigration officer to bring me these gifts. May it be chicken soup for my soul. He told me the officer nearly tear up the packet because there is some sort of seed which is part of forbidden item to bring in. He explained is a gift for a friend and officer let him pass.

I remember mom always make me soup because she knows that is my comfort food the minute I land,  arrive and enter the house, soup is ready to be served. She  knows that is one way to lure me back home. Now,  I have to learn, prepare and cook for myself

SUNDAY breakfast :)

Sunday morning, fresh start of the week. i have to share something that i love. Yumm... my fav. Avo smash with couple poached eggs, feta cheese, oregano, pepper and sesame tops.  And of course my Earl Grey Tea. i usually have cuppa or flat white but today i will have earl grey.

I am glad finally i am able and decided to share about myself here.  To be honest i have reluctance if i have a choice there is absolutely no need to let the whole world know what i am doing and what i am thinking. However,  i know if i do it i am reflecting the words back to my face like a mirror. As i am typing i see, feel, think, and listening to myself. I am not only practicing self-awareness i am giving myself a chance to walk myself through the surroundings. Seize my day every moment with every beings.

If i have a thought or a secret or questions i would tell nobody but i will tell to Word. There you go, it is exposed for absolute feedback. 360.  My data is collected i am responsible for everything that i have done to myself and others here on earth.

However, there is also a chance i would not tell. Rest assure everything is recorded Above. I ask myself would I rather wait and die to receive judgement came from higher presence, from Above or i choose to be ready and prepare to take the challenge before i even have a chance to enter into so called Eternal Home? i know i am not going to live here forever. i m not that naive.

Therefore, enjoy my breakfast and live my Sunday.

:)

Look ever forward

Always fascinated by the animals they have significant features and look that you can't just forget. They are created for unique purpose to serve mankind since the beginning of creation . Observe the nature, I find serenity and calmness within.

I m grateful for today's weather its sunny even it is winter season. I remember last winter was awful i had to hibernate myself during the day. So the weather makes me happy and i did something out of ordinary. I called someone back home, what an achievement. i can't remember when was the last time i take initiative to make a phone call. Needless to say, if i can't recognize the phone number or it says no caller ID don expect me to answer as well.

This picture remind me back in the days when i was an undergrad. and i remember the motto of the founder

“The great University should find its heroes in the present; its hope in the future; it should look ever forward; for it the past should be but a preparation for the greater days to be”.

John Curtin, ‘The Views of Labour’, West Australian, 16 April 1932

0 to 1

I have a blessed day because I have music despite waking up a few times last night. Came across an old song I used to play by Kutless - What faith can do. I repeated the song track throughout the day i shared it in the moment.

I have no idea who sent me this picture I constantly receiving quotes from different people in  whatsapp, rarely reply to messages as well. I am kind of slacking in social media and pay little attention to keep people inform of my recent activities. I am reflecting back today realising myself not knowing or interested to observe what my classmates talking or doing in their circle of friends.. I have a friend sitting next to me and she was disturbed by her surroundings, what people say, do or react and she was not happy, she told me what was happening in the class. I could see her frustration and annoyance on her face. I guess I am just trying to cheer her up a little. I couldn't understand her frustration as well. The only way I can think of is redirection if certain people bother her so much.

I don't understand why I didn't feel the importance or being so aware of my surroundings I keep reminding myself to be aware and learn to initiate conversation even if it can be awkward sometimes but not always. I am capable of conversing to others.. I am usually thinking what I am doing and what I want to do, where I want to go, what stuffs I have to do. Am I a selfish person? I think if I continue living in my own world probably I will end up living by myself.

Now I enjoy this before I just use pen and paper writing to what I believe a higher presence, I still believe handwritten stuffs are more authentic u can't erase or delete what u have written so easily

Yang's dumplings

 Every week I will passby little Yang's dumplings shop which is my surname by the way. I do not own this food chain I simply amazed the fact they make good Dumplings  but I have tried only once. I am particularly fussy with sauces or spices, the last touch of the food before it goes into my body.

 i am exhausted feels like I haven't sleep for weeks. Anyways I will continue to write and amazed by my own writings with so many grammatical mistakes

Good night

Lay down your 8

I came across the building today and the sign just caught my eye for a moment, I said to myself what a beautiful story. Infinite, endless and everlasting love.

It is a long journey to know myself and what is the deepest truth about human relationships? Contemplating Him I supposed. Back to Word.

I have a friend back in the days she said to me I never understood why you are so gentle and patience with me. We hang out together all the time go for shopping, travelling, working, eating and drinking. We are inseparable. She is older than me, I realised I always have a touch with older women maybe because I know one day I will get old and I would like to be cared for as well. However she didn't realise how short our lives can be without visions. Time waits for no one.

I remembered another friend of mine she left many years ago, she was married and have a family. Though we didn't  speak for a long period of time she reminded me of many good memories.  I miss her presence in my life. I admired her courage and strength which inspire me to move forward. Sometimes I wonder if i truly expect too much or depending on her. I had a dream that one day we will meet up and share all good experiences together. I love it when she spend time telling me stories and show me all her pictures.  I love her whispers into my ears when she speaks to me. I love when she hears me sing and make her laugh. I probably can't expect she will stay and never leave the country. She is also much older and I know they love me because I am gentle, caring perhaps naive and childish too.

All I am left with is time after time memories rewind. I have decided to commit all these to the One who knows it all. I have grown up as well.

Tea stories

City life never cease to bring me surprises everyday. On my way to work this evening I came across this road sign on the opposite direction saying "Wrong way Go back" I have no idea the purpose of putting the sign in that position with that direction. Humour me. I am not driving today I saw the sign when I was walking across the bridge witnessing triple 6 lanes highway road, I wonder who would drive in an opposite direction to be able to see the sign in such a position. They must be dying to See it on an opposite direction of the highway.  Kill me!

I have a habit of drinking tea everyday and read some Chinese short stories on my phone. I am always touched by some of the stories they have written and share on the web. It inspires me to have a deeper understanding of my learning processes. However, technically and methodically I am used to English words. Chinese are sophisticated Beings which characterized in their words and features. I wouldn't say I am 100% Chinese because in my family we have mixture of everything. We never just belong to one entity. We are diverse and I would like to believe we appreciate, celebrate and respect each other differences.

Sometimes I wonder did I miss something, the way I am feeling these days are incomprehensible. If it is a sign of a wrong way, where should I go back to? What have I done to cause myself such a turmoil. What did I miss? will I be able to fill the gap and move on?