Who is numbering my days? have I count my blessing for the wild?
A roller coaster start of year 2017. Decided I couldn't go on with anybody from the past and present without sorting myself.
The picture of me back in 2010,2011,2012 living in townhouse. I was sitting in the living room by myself. What was I thinking during that moment by myself? There wasn't anyone in the room. 2013,2014,2015 have I done something for myself? Pieces of me I figured you have found when I confided to you.
I have today and today I have done something I wouldnt think I should do just because I love it. There are other priorities rather than what I love. Somehow certain people you think you can confide in decided I couldn't do it and making sure I would have no enjoyment having this special time for myself. I certainly apologised, without a doubt I will have no reservations in any of her requests ever. She has crossed the line by proving herself powerful enough for me to let go. The only feelings I have when she calls me for time I would gladly finish her off to the last minute that she thinks I owe it to her. That's the consequence of crossing boundaries. No more hard feelings certainly no obligation to further engage. Thanks for the lesson. She had taught me the difference.
If you ask how do I know the difference ? It is because I work in the community. She has proven her rights and judgement certainly do not mind loosing what could have been her value in my heart and mind. I wouldn't feel more sorry if she didn't find out. It is her right to prove herself to be right at all times. That is her system she adapts to for many years and has proven to be successful for her life. There is nothing wrong for her to do what she did. I wouldn't say she is wrong I apologised because I know I have found something I couldn't agree with. Therefore I choose to be at the loosing side, I understand she needs to prove and she needs to win she certainly needs to be right. In exchange the value of my heart. Who cares? Call me an idiot but I certainly do. I guess that's why I can be more sensitive and perhaps the level of emotional intelligence is not greater than most. Love could be a dangerous endeavour but I truly believe it comes with great reward given how much risk is involved
We have different motivation in life. She would never need to understand what is my perspective my value because it is no longer needed to be spoken to. Something you couldn't explain in words. We have different values in life.
Anyways, I do love the fluffy ones the creatures other than human. I don't have to own them, I just have to feel and think of them dedicate some of my time with them. Same goes to certain things, people, places and myself.
Have I truly gone through the best of 31 years of life or I am just reminiscing 31 years of unconscious ness. I truly believe He will show us the truth, a path to follow even when I feel it is impossible to return back to that passing state of mind.
I miss you today. J
No comments:
Post a Comment